Clark Kent And SG-1: Crazy Q
by SuperBear
Summary: It all begins when Jonathan Kent heals Daniel Jackson of lethal radiation poisoning. Then Clark and SG-1 are called to handle a crisis in which Q has gone insane, causing alternate worlds to combine together. As they search for Q, they find other worlds that combine elements of Smallville with Stargate Command.
1. The Smallville-Stargate World

"General Hammond, sir."

"Yes, doctor?"

"I'm afraid Doctor Jackson is dying of radiation poisoning. It's reached the point we can't reverse it through ordinary medical means."

After a moment to take in the somber report of Doctor Janet Fraiser, General George Hammond nodded to Staff Sergeant Walter Harriman.

"Make the call," he said.

"Right away, sir." Harriman was already dialing. Some members of Stargate Command joked that Harriman was at times like Radar on "MASH."

Minutes later, a smiling Jonathan Kent approached the general in the briefing room of the Stargate Command base.

"Jonathan, thank you for getting here so quickly."

"Always happy to do what I can, general," Joanthan said as the two shook hands. "Especially considering what you and S-G-One do for all of us. Protecting us from the Goa'uld and who knows what else." The blond-haired farmer glanced around at the uniformed staff. "Thanks to all of you for your good work."

Lined up next to General Hammond, uniformed guards nodded cordially.

"I second that," Clark Kent said.

"I see you brought Clark as well," the general said.

"He's happy to help out, too, general. Especially if something unexpected comes through that Stargate of yours," Jonathan said with a little laugh.

"Plus any excuse to visit Stargate Command," Clark said with an impish smile. "And this time I didn't even have to use my super-speed to get inside."

"And we appreciate that, Clark," Hammond said with a hint of a smile. "Now let me explain the situation."

Minutes later, Jonathan held his hands over an unconscious Daniel Jackson, and a glowing yellow light poured out. Immediately, the uniformed archaeologist-linguist sat up and he looked understandably confused.

Conversely, Major Samantha Carter looked concerned.

"Daniel, how do you feel?" she asked.

Daniel thought for a moment as he held out his arms and flipped his hands around.

"I feel good," he decided. "Actually, I feel great. Never better."

"Uh-oh," Clark said. "Lana said that just before she was taken over by a witch."

"And I still don't appreciate her making me float around like that," Colonel Jack O'Neill said.

"Me, either, Jack," Clark said.

The massive Teal'c stood nearby and offered a slight bow.

"It is good to hear that you are well, Daniel Jackson."

"Thanks, Teal'c." Absent-mindedly, Daniel brushed back his hair. Martha Kent had commented once that his large bangs made him look like a little boy.

O'Neill stood with his arms crossed and eyebrows raised. "Danny, you understand I wouldn't let you just leave, right?"

"Sure, Jack."

Jonathan chuckled. "You sound like my wife, Colonel O-Neill."

"That's gotta be a first. But any comparison to Martha Kent I'll take as a compliment."

"You should," Clark said.

Wearing a serious sincere look, General Hammond approached the blond farmer.

"Jonathan, once again we're in your debt."

"Think nothing of it, General Hammond." A smiling Jonathan glanced over at Clark. "It's nice to be able to save lives the way my son does. Even if it is with power on loan from Jor-El."

That was when the room filled with another kind of glow, a warm white glow. A figure appeared. He looked just like Daniel, complete with uniform and slightly confused look. Though he didn't look nearly as confused as the original Daniel sitting up in bed.

General Hammond reached for a phone but the new arrival held out a hand and spoke in Daniel's voice.

"You don't need to call security, general."

As the general stood frozen, O'Neill lifted his eyebrows as he addressed their guest.

"And you are?"

The Daniel look-a-like started to speak when Carter jumped in.

"Are you a Daniel from an alternate reality?"

The visitor crossed his arms over his uniform. "Not actually. I'm a cosmic being taking the form of Daniel Jackson."

"Why?" Daniel asked.

Duplicate Daniel shrugged. "As a kind of tribute to you. Also because I monitor multiple universes and all the things that go on in those universes. And being you is, well, kind of helpful."

"That's just swell," O'Neill said. "Should we call you other-Daniel? Or just Daniel the Second?"

"Cosmic Daniel is fine. Or just Daniel."

"Well, see, now that could get confusing."

"I'm actually here to help all of you remember how you and Clark worked together as a time travel team against You-Know-Who."

For a moment, Clark and the members of SG-1 looked puzzled and disoriented. Then they all groaned.

"Clark, you all right?" Jonathan asked.

"I'm fine, Dad." But Clark looked incredibly weary.

"S-G-One, are you all right?" General Hammond asked.

"For the most part," O'Neill said in a groaning voice. "Except I remember You-Know-Who. Ugh. I hated that guy."

"We all do, Jack," Daniel said, his legs now dangling over the side of the bed.

Slightly bent over, O'Neill held a hand to his head. "Do you know that guy once gave me the head of Homer Simpson?"

"Colonel, maybe I should take a look at you," Fraiser suggested.

"You could, but how exactly will looking in my eye stop me from hating You-Know-Who?"

Clark wore his squinty-look face. "Is You-Know-Who back?"

"There's a new situation," Cosmic Daniel said. "Q has gone insane and it's causing alternate worlds to merge together."

"Well, that sounds like a tough situation," O'Neill said. "Good luck with that. Thanks for dropping by."

"We need you as a team to fix it."

O'Neill waved his hand. "Get the Guardians of the Galaxy to do it or the Avengers. Or both. I really don't care."

Hammond frowned. "The Avengers? They aren't even real."

"Oh, yes, they are," Daniel said, now standing as he studied his arms again.

"They are in fact quite real, General Hammond."

"I'm afraid Teal'c's right, sir," Carter said.

"We actually worked with them once," O'Neill said.

"I don't remember that," Clark said.

"You were off somewhere else, Clark," O'Neill said.

"Your memory will come back to you in steps and stages," Cosmic Daniel said.

"Not sure I want to remember." Again, O'Neill waved his hand. "Tell you what. Get Captain Kirk and Spock to help you. Or Captain Picard and the X-Men. I hear those guys are good."

"We need people with knowledge of Smallville and Stargate Command. You guys will be in charge of fixing alternate worlds that blend together elements of your two worlds."

"Teach the Avengers about us," O'Neill said. "Or how about Wesley and the Traveler? Those guys probably have nothing better to do."

"We need you guys," Cosmic Daniel said with some firmness.

"All right," O'Neill sighed. "Let's do this so we can get back home to Smallville."

C-Daniel winced slightly. "You guys don't actually live in Smallville." He pointed back and forth. "Originally, your two worlds were separate. Once Q went insane, your two worlds merged together." C-Daniel used his hands to gesture merging.

Clark made his wrinkled-eyebrow face. "That doesn't seem possible. For as long as I can remember, the Stargate has always been in Smallville."

"Part of an old missile silo next to the old McAllister farm," Jonathan said. "And, no offense, S-G-One, but I've always had concerns about that. Along with the toxins pumped out by Luthorcorp, is the Stargate helping to create all these meteor freaks?"

"Of course not," O'Neill said.

"Now's not the time, Jonathan," Daniel said.

"Yeah, now's not the time, Dad," Clark said.

"You must be mistaken," General Hammond said. "Smallville was chosen precisely because it's a normal small town."

"Never mind there's a super-powered teen here," O'Neill said.

"And along with the Goa'uld, we get an occasional Kryptonian invader," Carter said.

"Not to mention meteor freaks." Daniel nodded to Jonathan.

"Be that as it may," the general said, "the idea of alternate realities is ridiculous."

"General, if you recall, Daniel and I..."

"Not now, Major Carter."

O'Neill shrugged. "Besides, what's the big deal if our two worlds got mashed together? I don't mind having Jonathan Kent as a neighbor."

"I appreciate that, colonel."

"No problem there, Jonathan. We'll go fishing this weekend. Assuming, you know, we can find a place where there aren't actually any fish."

Jonathan laughed. "Like the pond at your cabin."

"I like having dinner at the Kents," Daniel said quietly.

"Martha Kent's cherry pie is most satisfying and delicious," Teal'c said.

"Ah, yes, dinner at the Kents," O'Neill said. "Even with their powers, they're real salt-of-the-earth types." O'Neill's eyebrows shot up. "Even that dog of theirs, Shelby, is nice."

"We like having all of you over to the house," Jonathan said with a light chuckle.

"You're welcome any time," Clark said with a smile and a nod.

"What else do we like about Smallville?" O'Neill asked.

"I like talking to Lana at the Talon," Carter said with a grin.

Daniel turned to her. "I like talking to Pete and Chloe."

"They like talking to you guys," Clark said.

"Good."

"Yeah, good to hear, Clark."

Clark shrugged. "Even if you have to, you know, hide stuff about the Stargate."

Carter grinned. "I suppose Chloe's got a conspiracy theory about that."

"Oh, yeah," Clark said.

"I enjoy the football games in Smallville."

"As evidenced by the happy look on your face, Teal'c," O'Neill said.

"At these games, I often say 'Kree, Crows.'"

Again, Clark winced. "It's 'Go, Crows,' Teal'c."

"I prefer 'Kree.'"

Lifting his eyebrows, O'Neill turned to Cosmic Daniel. "There. You see? We're all good here.,"

With crossed arms, C-Daniel responded with a slight wince. "Sorry to tell you, guys, but unless you fix these altered worlds, everyone and everything will be destroyed."

"Of course it will," O'Neill sighed.

"You won't be alone," C-Daniel said. "Stand by to hear the voice of the Guardian."

"That's who guided us last time," Clark explained to his dad.

"The Guardian is actually the Guardian of Forever from an episode of 'Star Trek' called 'The City on the Edge of Forever.' A more advanced version really."

"He doesn't need to know all that, Daniel."

"This Guardian speaks to you?" Jonathan asked.

"You bet he does," O'Neill said. "And there's nothing I like better than hearing that guy's voice all the time."

A cheery female voice spoke. "Hey, Clark! Hey, S-G-One! What's up? What's shaking? What's the haps?"

Jonathan made a face. "I thought you said this Guardian was a he."

Carter made a face, a confused one. "That doesn't sound like the Guardian."

"It sounds like the voice of Lois Lane," Teal'c said.

Now Clark made a face. "Why'd it have to be Lois?"

"Yeah, about that," Cosmic Daniel said, almost apologetically. "The Guardian talks in different voices now. Because of the whole Q-going-insane thing, the Guardian's a little insane, too."

"Well, that makes me feel really confident about getting from place to place," O'Neill said.

"Oh, don't worry," C-Daniel said. "The other cosmic beings and I will guide your movements. You'll just hear, you know, different voices."

"Great," O'Neill said. "Then we can feel insane, too."

Again, Carter made a face. "Why do I feel like the Guardian might turn into HAL from 'Two-Thousand-One?'"

"I'm worried about that, too, Sam."

"Me three."

"Me four."

"Indeed."

"I'm with you, Teal'c," Jonathan said.

"As am I," General Hammond said as he turned to C-Daniel. "How do I know S-G-One and Clark will be safe?"

The Guardian spoke in the voice of the robot from "Lost In Space."

"Warning! Danger! Warning, Clark and S-G-One! Warning!"

"That'swhat I'll say when there's danger," the Guardian explained in the voice of Lois Lane.

"Oh, that won't get old any time soon," O'Neill said.

"Make it so!" the Guardian growled in the voice of Captain Picard.

"Is he, she, it going to just say things like that for no reason?" O'Neill asked.

Cosmic Daniel stood with his arms crossed. "I assure you, General Hammond, we will be guiding them and watching them every step of the way."

"And I think you've seen what this other Daniel can do, George," Jonathan said.

General Hammond considered for a moment, with O'Neill all the while giving him a raised-eyebrow look.

"I'm satisified," the general decided. "S-G-One and Clark, prepare for departure."

"Actually, general, when Clark is with us, we're all of us together called S-G-One," Daniel said.

"Very well."

Clark turned to his father. "Don't worry, Dad. I went away before. I came back."

"Do what you have to do, Clark," Jonathan said with a hand on his son's shoulder. "Save us all. Make us proud."

General Hammond nodded. "Godspeed, S-G-One."

C-Daniel waved his hand. Instantly, the Stargate was fully activated.

"If you can do things like that," O'Neill said, "why do you need us?"

"You'll find out as you go, Jack."

"Do we have a go, sir?" Clark asked with a grin.

"To Oz," O'Neill said, and they all stepped forward.


	2. Hermione and Hobbit-SG-!

"You know, when I found out the Q needed our help again, I didn't think it could be as bad as I expected," Colonel Jack O'Neill complained. "I was wrong. It's much, much worse."

"Come on, Jack," Clark Kent said with a grin. "It's not as bad as the last time we helped the Q."

"Clark's right, sir," Major Samantha Carter said as they all walked away from the transport station. "We've got our phasers to fix altered realities, just like the last time we did this."

"On our previous missions for the Q, we restored altered timelines." As he surveyed the grassy hills, Teal'c held his staff weapon in a vertical position. .

"All we have to do is persuade the people here that this is not the reality they belong in," Daniel Jackson said. "That paves the way for using our phasers to return their reality to normal."

Making a face, O'Neill lifted his arms. "And how exactly does that work, Daniel?"

Daniel shrugged. "Who knows how the powers of the Q work when they do stuff?"

They found themselves on top of a hill.

"Oh, now what is this?" O'Neill groaned.

Next to him, Carter stared. "It looks like some weird combination of Harry Potter and 'Lord of the Rings.'"

"It is Harry Potter combined with 'Lord of the Rings,'" Daniel said. Clark noted that Daniel had his arms crossed, the way he usually did when he said something authoritative. "Even without the Background, I can tell. That's the Shire over there next to Hogwarts."

"I am not familiar with any of this."

"They're from books and movies, Teal'c," Clark explained. "Magic, elves, things like that. I used to read the books on the farm, talk to Chloe about them."

"You would find the movies less violent than some things on the news," Daniel said.

"Indeed?" Teal'c said, raising an eyebrow as he wore his usual grim look. "Your televised news reports are most troubling."

"More troubling than this?" O'Neill asked as he waved his hand.

"This seems quite peaceful, O-Neill."

"It does seem peaceful," Clark said.

"It probably won't be for long," O'Neill said.

Just then, Hermione Granger approached and looked up at Clark with a shy smile.

"Hello," she said quietly. "Would you like to go to the dance with me?"

"Um." Clark glanced around uncertainly.

"He'd love to," O'Neill said.

"Jack," Clark whispered sharply.

"Yeah, Jack, what are you doing?" Daniel asked.

"How wonderful." Hermione smiled as she clasped her hands and lifted her shoulders.

"But he can't," O'Neill said. Frowning, the girl drooped.

"Unfortunately, Clark Kent will not be present for an extended period of time," Teal'c said.

Hermione looked at Daniel. "What about you? Can you take me to the dance?"

"Um," Daniel said.

"He'd love to but he can't," Carter said apologetically.

"Indeed. We are, all of us, only here for a short period of time."

As Hermione turned back to Clark, she seemed to bat her eyes.

"Sure you can't change your plans, stay for a while?"

"Sorry," Clark said.

"We're on a mission," O'Neill said.

"Besides, there's Lana," Clark said.

"Yes, there's Lana," O'Neill said. "Also Chloe and Pete and Jonathan and Martha and everyone else we're trying to save."

Immediately, Hermione darkened. "Who's Lana? Should I turn her into a frog?"

"No, no, don't do that," O'Neill said, holding up his hand.

Hermione smiled. "I'm only kidding."

"Good to hear," Clark said. He made his wrinkled eyebrow face. "Of course, if Lana turned into Isobel again, she could turn you into something."

"Lana Lang is not with us," Teal'c said. "Nor is Isobel."

"Which is good because otherwise we might be dancing in our underwar." As Daniel made a face, O'Neill waved his hand. "You're probably too young to hear that. Move along."

"Hmmph."

As a frowning Hermione turned on her heel and stomped away, Carter said, "She didn't seem quite right."

"No, she wasn't," Daniel said.

"She may be a know-it-all in the movies," Clark said. "But not quite like that. That was amped, even for her."

"She was a little uptight," O'Neill said.

"At least at the end," Carter said.

"She did indeed seem to have a large tree branch lodged within her posterior."

"Not to mention being a big flirt into older men," Daniel said with a slight wince. Next to him, Clark also winced and nodded. "Whatever evil force is behind this, I'm not a fan."

"You and me both, Daniel," O'Neill said.

"This is whack," the Guardian said in the voice of Pete Ross.

"Thank you, Guardian," O'Neill said. He looked at the departing Hermione. "Yes, imagine that. An altered world created by a crazy Q where not everything is quite right in every way."

"We do not need to imagine, O-Neill. We may observe it before us."

"Roger that, Teal'c. Guess we should just be glad that girl didn't have a naquadah bomb planted on her."

As they walked along, Carter spoke casually. "Makes you wonder: why was the Smallville we lived in so normal?"

"You mean with the meteor freaks and Kryptonians?" O'Neill asked.

"For Smallville, that's normal," Clark said.

"I suppose." O'Neill stopped and threw his arms out at his side. "What exactly are we doing here? We're supposed to be fixing worlds that combine together parts of Smallville and us."

"Perhaps if we investigate a little more, sir, we'll find just that." Carter was already moving forward again.

"Joy," O'Neill said, and he reluctantly moved forward.

Sure enough, as they approached the walls of Hogwarts-"It looks just like a castle," Clark observed-they found what appeared to be four hobbits. As the team drew closer, they saw the four were actually hobbit versions of people from Smallville, including a hobbit-Whitney-Fordman, a hobbit-Lana, and a hobbit-Clark, who was only slightly taller than the others. Each had bare hairy feet in serious need of a pedicure, and each wore a cloak and a vest in a familiar color scheme: red and blue with yellow buttons and clasps.

"Hey! What is this?" hobbit-Pete-Ross shouted. "It's a duplicate Clark!"

"Another one?" hobbit-Whitney said in a bored voice.

"It's another Clark! A giant Clark!" The voice wasn't quite Pete Ross; there was a British accent, for one thing, and his voice was a little high-pitched. Pete pointed. "Giant Clark has replaced me! With a much bigger me!"

"I am not Pete Ross," Teal'c declared solemnly but his simple statement was drowned out.

As the four Smallville hobbits chatted excitedly, O'Neill waved his hands in a "stop" gesture.

"Okay. Calm down. Take it easy. You're not actually hobbits. You're people," O'Neill said pointedly.

"You go to Smallville High," Clark said.

"We do?" hobbit-Whitney said in an Alvin-the-Chipmunk voice.

"You belong in Smallville, not the Shire." Daniel glanced off to his right where hobbits had gathered, among them hobbit-Chloe and hobbit-Nell.

"How are you folks doing?" O'Neill said with a kind of dismissive wave. "This'll sound a little strange but before we can return your world to normal we need you to kind of wake up to your real situation."

"You're people, not hobbits," O'Neill said with sharp exaggerated enunciation.

For a while, the Smallville hobbits murmured quietly then hobbit-Chloe, in a fairly normal voice, said, "Something about what they're saying seems right."

"Good for you, Chloe," O'Neill said. "You always were the smart one in the bunch."

"Thank you...whoever you are." Hobbit-Chloe frowned a little.

"O'Neill. Colonel Jack O'Neill."

"That's funny," she said. "It doesn't say 'colonel' anywhere on your uniform."

"Don't worry. We won't know each other that long."

As usual, Teal'c looked very serious as he spoke. "I believe Chloe Sullivan, of whatever world, possesses a heightened awareness beyond that of mere mortal men."

"Or women," Carter said. Teal'c bowed at the waist.

"Wouldn't surprise me at all," Clark said with a grin.

Hobbit-Clark spoke in a slightly squeaky voice.

"If Chloe believes it, that's good enough for me."

"Attaboy, hobbit-Clark!" O'Neill said.

Four other hobbits approached.

"They appear to be hobbit versions of us," Teal'c commented.

"They're like Lego us," Daniel murmured.

"Howdy," hobbit-O'Neill said in a squeaky voice.

"Who are you invaders?" hobbit-Teal'c demanded.

"It doesn't matter," hobbit-Carter said, also with a squeaky voice. "We'll use our magic to take care of them."

"Maybe we should try to understand them first," hobbit-Daniel suggested.

"Nope. Magic," hobbit-O'Neill said. He waved a wand, and all five members of the team floated four feet from the ground, gasping and groaning as they did. But this did not last long. The members of SG-1 returned to the ground.

"You see?" O'Neill said. "No more gasping and groaning." .

"How did you break the spell?" hobbit-Carter asked.

"Because once you think your way through it, it doesn't work anymore. Which is exactly what you should be doing."

"But that doesn't work with Clark," Daniel said. Clark continued to float a few feet off the ground, waving his arms as he gasped and groaned.

Daniel held up his hands. "Please. You don't have to use magic or anything else. We mean no harm. Really. We're just here to help."

"The other me makes sense," hobbit-Daniel said.

"You would think so," hobbit-O'Neill said.

"Sam, let him go," hobbit-Daniel urged. "At least until we can find out more." As hobbit-Carter made a face, Clark settled back on the ground, though he still clutched his stomach as he breathed heavily.

Hobbit-Daniel turned to hobbit-O'Neill. "Think about it, Jack. Doesn't it seem like we don't really belong here?"

Wearing a thoughtful look, hobbit-O'Neill considered. "Kind of like that time we were in those mines."

"And we had new identities," hobbit-Carter said.

"I wouldn't know anything about that. But I do think Daniel is right."

Lisa Simpson suddenly stood at the feet of hobbit-Daniel.

"Oh, that's not good," the Guardian said.

"Indeed," Teal'c said solemnly.

"If a cartoon character suddenly appears like that, this reality is about to start breaking down." The Guardian spoke in the nervous voice of high-strung physicist Sheldon Cooper.

"Tell me something I don't know, Guardian," O'Neill said. "And don't talk in the voice of Sheldon."

The Guardian switched to the voice of the robot from "Lost In Space."

"Danger! Warning! Coming over the hill."

"O'Neill," Teal'c said in a sharp warning voice.

A horde of Orcs charged down a hill, toward the open plain next to Hogwarts.

While SG-1 fired their phasers, hobbit-SG-1 waved their wands. Hobbit-Clark and hobbit-Lana went super-speeding around the plain. All this activity sent Orcs flying. Although in one case the alien fighter Titan went flying.

"More breakdown," Daniel murmured.

"That is cool," the Guardian said.

"If you think being overrun by Orcs is cool." O'Neill noticed a familiar tall red-and-blue blur speeding around. "Whatever they did to Clark, he seems to have recovered."

"We may not if these Orcs are successful in their attack."

"There's a lot of them," Daniel shouted. Waves of Orcs were coming in from all sides.

Something big and green started jumping around the battlefield.

"Oh, no. Not the Hulk," O'Neill groaned.

"It is indeed the Hulk, O-Neill."

The big green behemoth was leaping around and sending Orcs flying. The ones he wasn't landing on anyway.

"At least the Hulk isn't going after us," Daniel said as he continued to fire his phaser. "It's almost like he's helping us."

"That's kind of what the Hulk does, in spite of himself," Carter said.

"Nevertheless, we are surrounded by Orcs," Teal'c observed.

"Time to put an end to all this." As Orcs closed in, O'Neill turned to hobbit-SG-1. "We were getting through to you earlier."

"Or I was," Daniel said.

"You belong at Stargate Command. As people, not hobbits!"

Clark turned to his hobbit friends.

"You guys belong at Smallville High. Not Hogwarts."

They all nodded with looks of recognition and understanding. As phasers fired, a great blast of white energy consumed the battlefield.. The Orcs vanished along with Hogwarts and the Shire.

As the team headed back to the transport station, Daniel said, "That was odd."

"Which part, Daniel?"

"Everything. The Orcs showing up. The Hulk. It was almost like...magic."

"There's no such thing as magic," O'Neill said.

"More likely, it's just some advanced form of science," Carter said.

"If it can hurt me, it's magic," Clark said.

Daniel got what Clark called "the Daniel look," his intense gaze combined with a studious facial expression.

"This may sound crazy, guys. But I think whoever or whatever is behind this thing with Q can do magic. Or something like it."


	3. Urgo-Zod And The Androids

"Now what?" Colonel Jack O'Neill groaned.

"I recognize this facility," Teal'c said.

"Me, too," Major Samantha Carter said.

"Yep," from Daniel Jackson.

"Uh, no," Clark Kent said.

"Not Harlan, not Harlan," O'Neill muttered.

As Teal'c might say, it was indeed the empty factory run by Harlan, the bald rotund cheery fellow who once created android duplicates of SG-1.

"And there he is," O'Neill groaned.

Harlan rose. He was dressed like Friar Tuck with a face similar to that of Uncle Fester. He moved his hands in a half-circle motion.

"'Come-try-ah!'" he shouted in greeting.

Daniel whispered to Clark. "A rough translation of the word is 'aloha.' Actually, it can mean many different things depending on the context. Much like the Jaffa word 'kree.'"

"Gotcha," Clark said. "Thanks, Daniel."

Carter smiled. "Bet you wish Chloe was here to explain things."

"At times."

"Harlan. We meet again." O'Neill took note of the tan blonde next to Harlan. "And you. You're the waitress from the Cheesecake Factory. Friends with Sheldon and those guys."

"The 'Big Bang' guys," Clark said quietly to Daniel.

"Your biggest fans, Clark."

The blond rose and extended her hand as she introduced herself. "I'm Penny." Each time she shook hands with a team member, she leaned in slightly.

"I'm Daniel, this is Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter, Teal'c and Clark Kent."

"We're fixer-uppers," O'Neill explained.

"Nice to meet you." As Penny resumed sitting down next to Harlan, Clark wore a confused look as he pointed back and forth.

"Are you two together?"

"That's right." Penny rested her chin on Harlan's shoulder. As the man's smile grew larger, Penny flashed some white teeth.

O'Neill made a face. "Not that I care about such things but...really?"

Carter frowned. "You and Harlan?"

"Yes, you and Harlan?" Daniel asked with his usual confused look. During their previous adventures, he had entertained thoughts of the toned tan blond Penny as a girlfriend. Which was not entirely the result of mental manipulation by the enemy the team fought at that time.

"You do seem like an unlikely couple," Teal'c said grimly in his distinctive deep voice.

With her head still on Harlan's shoulder, Penny sighed.

"You gotta admit. He's delightful."

"'Come-try-ah,'" Harlan said as if he were melting.

"See? Delightful."

"Not exactly the word I would use to describe old Harlan." O'Neill's frown got deeper. "Tell me something. How does a waitress from the Cheesecake Factory end up in this factory with Harlan?"

Penny sighed. "Sheldon opened up a wormhole. Next thing you know I'm traveling around with a bunch of android duplicates as we try to get back home."

"These things happen," O'Neill said. Then he eyed Harlan sharply. "Harlan, have you made android duplicates of us again?"

"And some others," Harlan said. "Now they are bet-ter. 'Come-try-ah!'"

"Kum-bay-ah to you, too." The colonel motioned to his team members. "Let's move out. The sooner we find the connection to Smallville and Stargate Command, the sooner we can get out of here."

"I'm with you, sir."

"Major Carter and I are in agreement."

"Clark and I vote 'yes,'" Daniel said, holding up a finger.

"Good deal," O'Neill said. "Clark, why don't you super-speed on ahead? Once you find something, come back, lead the way."

After a nod from Clark, there was a "whoosh" and a blast of air, blowing back the hair of three members of SG-1. Seconds later, Clark abruptly reappeared, causing O'Neill to tilt his head back.

"Hi. I'm Clark. I'll be your tour guide today."

"Lead on, Clark," O'Neill said. "And we're walking and we're walking."

As they walked, they discussed matters of great import.

"That's just how I feel," Daniel said at one point. "What do you think?"

"I don't know, Daniel. I wasn't really listening." O'Neill turned to the tallest team member. "No offense there, Clark, but the last episode of your show was not that great. There was way too much talk for one thing. This 'Supergirl' looks a lot better."

"Kara Zor-El seems most formidable," Teal'c said in his usual solemn somber tone. .

Clark nodded as he grinned then winced. "She does seems a little different from my cousin."

Between missions, Clark and SG-1 watched each other's TV shows, imported from Earth Prime along with TV shows and movies from their future.

Clark smiled. "I like the episode of your show where you guys go back to ancient Egypt and create an altered timeline."

Carter winced. "You mean the one with the nerdy me?"

"That's the one," Clark said with a smile and a nod. "And don't worry, Sam. Even as a nerd, you're great."

"Thanks, Clark. But I'm sure I'd be picked on in the halls of Smallville High."

"I'd protect you," Clark said with a smile.

"Which episode are we talking about?" O'Neill asked.

"It's the one where Daniel meets S-G-One from the altered timeline and he says, 'Where am I?' And Jack says, 'Ancient Egypt?' And Daniel says, 'No, I mean the other me.' Teal'c says, 'I killed you.'" Here Clark attempted the Jaffa's deep voice,.scrunching up his lips as he did. "'I killed you,' he says. Daniel says, 'Why?'" Clark also attempted the serious look of his archaeologist friend. Then back to the deep voice. "You were a Goa'uld spy.' 'A good reason,' Daniel says." Clark smiled broadly, the way their ally Raj Koothrappali would. At least when Raj was not possessed by a Goa'uld, as he once had been. "I like the sense of humor on your show."

"It's also nice when your show is funny, Clark," O'Neill said.

"Your show is pretty funny at times," Carter said with a light smile.

"Especially in Season Four," Daniel said.

"Dawn Stiles. Spare me."

"I like the Superman jokes," Daniel said.

"There were not enough scenes of battle in Season Four," Teal'c said.

"Face it, Clark. Your show needed some humor," O'Neill said. He pointed back and forth. "So this episode you liked. Was this where we go back in time but then we don't?"

"That's the one," Clark said brightly..

"It was indeed a paradox." Lifting one eyebrow slightly, Teal'c continued to glance back and forth.

"I hate those. They give me a headache."

"You may recall, sir, that's what we did on our previous time travel adventures."

"Yep," Clark said. "On our last mission, we went back in time and stopped it all from happening. I remember rewiring the Stargate. And meeting Walter Harriman."

"Headache, Clark."

"Let's change the subject," Daniel suggested. "Or go back to the previous subject." Squinting slightly, Daniel turned to O'Neill. "What did you not like about the last episode of 'Smallville,' Jack?"

"It is important you be specific, O'Neill. One who makes a negative comment without specifics is not unlike an 'Internet troll,'" Teal'c noted.

"Okay, I'll tell you," O'Neill said. "At one point, Jonathan Kent is a ghost. Jonathan, my good buddy from our Smallville back home. And my ghost buddy is holding upa costume? How does that work exactly?"

Clark shrugged. "I just assumed that happened in my imagination."

As they walked, Carter pulled up alongside O'Neill. "You raised a good point, sir. How does someone immaterial handle physical objects? Like when Daniel became a kind of phantom visible only to his grandfather. Why didn't he sink through the floor or the ground?"

With a slight smirk, Clark turned to Daniel. "Could have been worse, Daniel. At least you weren't a phantom in the Phantom Zone."

"And I'm grateful for that, Clark," Daniel said.

"Not sure you'd like hanging out with Zod, Daniel?" O'Neill asked.

"Not really, no. But back to our topic." Daniel adjusted his glasses. "The thing is, Jonathan wasn't a ghost. Jor-El created a kind of hologram made of solid particles. Much like what you'd find on a holodeck. That's how 'Jonathan' was able to handle the costume."

"That's cool." But then Clark made a face. "But why would Jor-El do that?"

"As kind of tribut to your father, out of respect for both of you."

"It's nice old Jor-El would do that," O'Neill said.

Clark nodded in agreement. To aid him in his adventures, the Guardian had provided Clark with an overview of his future, which appeared to Clark in a series of swirling images. This included disturbing images of Lionel Luthor possessed by Darkseid. But the images did not explain the "why" behind every event.

"It's nice to know things can't get any weirder than they are now," O'Neill said.

The team halted. There in the hallways stood a woman dressed much like Annie Wilkes in "Misery." Hair the color of mud down to her shoulders, dark thick-framed Clark Kent glasses, a very serious somber look.

"Hello," she said. "I am Amy Farrah Fowler."

Briefly, her eyes glowed white, and her voice became deep and distorted.

"And you must suffer!"

She held out her hand. Attached was a device that resembled a golden spider.

The team members reeled back as they were plunged into a series of bizarre mental images.

"Your cousin is hot," Howard Wolowitz said to Clark as they stood outside the barn.

Before he could respond, Clark found himself being socked in the jaw by his cousin.

"I'm taking your place, Clark!" she shouted.

As Clark reeled from the barrage of blows by Kara, he saw another threat.

Lionel Luthor possessed by Darkseid.

"You are a source of light," Lionel said in an eerie vibrating deep voice. "And I shall extinguish you."

A blast of power from Lionel-Darkseid sent Clark flying. When he landed, he found new enemies.

SG-1. They all had glowing white eyes. With a deep frown, Teal'c fired his staff weapon. Clark screamed and writhed.

"My staff weapon has been infused with kryptonite, Clark Kent."

"All our weapons have," O'Neill said with a look almost as grim as Teal'c's. The colonel cocked the trigger on his phaser.

Inside their minds, SG-1 had problems of their own. While hallucinations are usually not shared, the four were caught in the same mental illusion. The focus of that illusion was a jolly alien parasite they had all once shared.

"Hello, S-G-One," the familiar bearded figure croaked as he smiled and waved.

"Urgo," O'Neill groaned.

"Yes, it is I," the rotund robed man said. For some reason, he was dressed like Henry the Eighth.

"I do not want you in my head again," O'Neill said.

"Nor I."

"I'm with Teal'c."

"Yep."

Pete Ross gave O'Neill a light tap on his lower back. He wore a smile, a big one, that was not quite right.

"Hey, don't sweat it, Colonel O-Neill. When Chloe and I were infected with alien parasites, we got really obnoxious."

"Well then, you can't come on any missions," O'Neill said.

Chloe Sullivan leaned on O'Neill like he was a tree. "I think what Pete is trying to say is Urgo won't make you obnoxious."

"Chloe Sullivan is correct," Teal'c said. "This situation could be much worse."

"Urgo may not make us obnoxious," Carter said. "But he will make us sing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.'"

"And pester us to death," O'Neill said.

Pete spread out his arms, palms facing toward the ground. "See? This could be worse."

"I don't see how," O'Neill said.

"Actually," Urgo spoke slowly and reluctantly. "Mister Ross and Mister Teal-c are right about how things could be worse. You see, I'm very evil now. Oh, yes. Very, very evil."

As Urgo went on, his voice changed, becoming more dark and sinister. The same with his facial expression.

"You see, I've been taken over by a phantom from the Phantom Zone. Not just any phantom. A big mean scary one!" Urgo's hands trembled as he raised them to his dark sideburns. "I'm trying to fight it, him because I like you so much. But oh, he's so powerful!"

Here, Urgo's eyes narrowed as he scowled.

"Kneel before Zod," he growled.

"Okay, it's worse," O'Neill said. Without willing it, O'Neill found himself on his knees. Next to him, his team members were in the same position.

The dark eyes of Urgo shifted back and forth as he spoke in the voice of Zod.

"Just as this 'Urgo' disease once had a mental influence on you, I now control all you do." One side of Urgo's mouth was curled up, reflecting the way a young Major Zod spoke.

"You are my slaves." Urgo-Zod snapped his fingers, and the four quickly rose.

Carter opened fire on Teal'c. Though he reeled back in his Jaffa armor, Teal'c managed to get off a few shots of his staff weapon. Energy from that weapon flew close to Daniel's head. The archaeologist did not notice as he was busy slugging Colonel O'Neill in the face. Repeatedly.

Clark could barely do anything, barely even think. Kryptonite-laced phaser fire. Slugs from Kara. Blasts from Lionel-Darkseid. About all Clark could do was convulse, groan and cry out.

And the situation was getting worse.

In the entrance of the barn stood Chloe, Lana Lang and Lois Lane. The three chanted what sounded like Latin. That the three were possessed by witches was evident not only by their unusual clothing but by the way Lana, her glaring eyes accentuated by heavy mascara, raised a fist, and Clark floated.

As Clark floated, someone took his hand. She was a dark-haired woman in fishnet stockings and black spandex with a white blouse and black bow tie, and she held on to Clark with a white-gloved hand. Clark looked up at the woman and her flawless face with the shiny blue eyes and gentle grin.

"Zatanna," Clark groaned.

"Hey, Clark," she said sweetly. "Let's get you out of here."

Clark found himself back in the hallway with Goa'uld-Amy still holding out her spider-device.

"I'd like it if you stopped that," Zatanna said gently with just a slight trace of annoyance. She waved her hand. The device stopped glowing and Amy lay on the ground.

Clark noticed he was still throbbing with pain. He also saw Carter and Teal'c were convulsing as they just stood there with blank looks. Jack had bruises on his face with new ones developing. Same for Daniel.

"Whatever's going on, it's really hurting your friends," Zatanna said. "We need to get in there and pull them out of this."

Zatanna took Clark's hand and they left the hallway. On Clark's world, Zatanna was able to do a few simple feats of magic, usually with the help of some magical object.

But this super-charged Zatanna, from another world (where she worked with John Constantine and Sam and Dean Winchester) was able to leap around in time and space. (Much like the team's former associate, the non-magical quantum-leaper Sam Beckett.) Super-Zatanna could knock people out (not just with her beauty). She could disarm Goa'uld technology (and non-Goa-uld devices, too, of course.) In this case, she was able to enter a shared mental illusion and take Clark with her.

Clark used his super-speed to pull Daniel away from Jack and disarm Teal'c. Of course, after that, Carter beat her fists against Teal'c's armored chest.

A moment later, they were all back in the hallway, with the members of SG-1 all bent over as they groaned.

"Daniel, that hurt," O'Neill said. He stopped to tenderly rub his jaw.

"Sorry, Jack."

"I'm sorry, too, Teal'c."

"As am I, Major Carter."

Clark smiled and shrugged. "Like Teal'c once said when you guys had super-powers and went a little crazy, 'I have nothing to apologize for.'" Once again, Clark attempted the deep voice of his Jaffa friend.

"You're getting kind of good at that, Clark," Daniel said.

"Yeah," O'Neill said. "And thanks for getting us out of there, Clark." Now the colonel rubbed the back of his neck as he winced.

"Yeah, thanks, Clark," Carter said, a little breathless as she brushed her short hair back with her hand.

"I offer my thanks as well, Clark Kent."

"No problem."

"And thank you, too, Zatanna," Daniel said, waving his hand while still bent over. Next to him, Teal'c offered a slight bow and a grin while tilting his head slightly forward.

Zatanna smiled. "No problem. But once that device was off, the mental illusion should have ended. Obviously there's some form of magic at work here."

"We've run into that before," Clark said with a wince.

"How'd you happen to be here?" Carter asked.

"The Guardian told me you might need my help here." Zatanna lifted her wand. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to stop an invasion of magical beings."

"You do that," O'Neill said. "We'll just hang out here."

The magician lady smiled. "I'll see you a little later."

As Zatanna promptly vanished, O'Neill raised his eyebrows and said, "Thanks for dropping by."

"Hello, S-G-One," the Guardian said in the voice of Lois Lane. "What you're looking for is down the corridor on the left."

Once they headed down the corridor, it wasn't long before they found others.

"They're android duplicates," Guardian-Lois explained.

"Of us," Daniel said.

"As well as Clark Kent and some of his associates," Teal'c observed.

O'Neill made a face. "Why would you want Martha Kent on your robot team?"

The petite redhead grinned. "You'd be surprised what I can do on a mission, Colonel O-Neill."

As O'Neill's eyebrows shot up, android-O'Neill stepped forward. "Hey, you! Martha Kent happens to be a very valuable addition to my team."

"Hey, buddy, I'm in charge here."

"We'll see about that," android-O'Neill said as he put O'Neill in a chokehold.

"Martha Kent would be useful for preparing dinner and baking pies," Teal'c said.

Android-Teal'c stepped forward. "She is useful for far more than that."

"I meant no offense."

"I believe you did." The android caught Teal'c in a neckhold.

Now android-Clark stepped forward. "If your buddies are putting down my mom, I'm going to throw them through the air."

"That wouldn't be fair," Clark said as he held him back.

"Guys, can't we try to understand?" Daniel asked.

Android-Daniel moved toward him. "That's not always the answer!"

As the men wrestled, Carter shouted, "Hey!"

"Yes, hey!" android-Carter shouted with her.

"Not that I wouldn't love to see how this ends. But we've already had one fight today."

"Besides, guys, we've got other things to do," android-Carter said.

As hostilities ceased, with grumbling on both sides, the Guardian spoke in the voice of Baymax from "Big Hero Six."

"This time you will need to do something a little different. You will use your phasers to open a portal as an exit from this dimension. Once the androids go through, they will be directed to a holding dimension."

The team members fired their phasers, and an amorphous hole opened up in a nearby wall.

"This is what Harlan programmed us to do," android-O'Neill said as he motioned for the others to move out.

"After that lady magician talked to him," Clark said, also giving the "move out" signal.

"Next time, pal," android-O'Neill said, shooting O'Neill a harsh look as he entered the portal. The other androids followed, most looking quite angry as they glanced back. .

As the non-android team headed for the facility's Stargate, the Guardian did impersonations and made jokes.

"Welcome, Professor."

After the Guardian spoke in a light wispy female voice, she laughed. "That was my Cerebro impersonation. Guess I have a real 'X' factor. Get it? 'X' factor? Because Cerebro tracks mutants for the 'X'-men. See what I did there?"

"Copy that, Guardian," Colonel Jack O'Neill said loudly then he muttered, "Good grief. I am already so tired of the Guardian talking in different voices."

"Why did the main voice have to be Lois?" Clark muttered once again.

"Got me, Clark," Daniel said.

Carter smiled. "We know she's not your favorite houseguest."

"Only at present," Teal'c said.

"Whenever that is," Daniel said.

"Daniel, don't."

Clark shook his head. "I know Lois and I end up getting married. But I just don't see it." He made his concerned-confused squint-face.

Holding a familiar automatic weapon, O'Neill surveyed his surroundings.

"So here we are again, bailing the Q's butts out of the fire. All because Q has found a way to cloak his presence from the other Q. And we're supposed to find him how? And fix all this how?"

Clark smiled. "That's what we get for doing such a great job last time."

"Yeah, not sure how I feel being on call by the Q." O'Neill shook his head. "This may be worse than last time."

"It's not as bad as last time, Jack."

"Yeah, it is, Daniel. Do you see me at my cabin?"

"Or me at the Talon?" Clark asked.

"Or me at the Talon with Chloe?" Carter asked.

"Or me at the Talon with Clark, Carter and Chloe?" O"Neill asked. He threw out his hands. "I'd rather be there with old Lex Luthor, or even Zod, than out here. Wherever here is."

Daniel made a face. "Think about that, Jack. You'd rather be at the Talon with Krypton's deadliest villain than here with Harlan, Penny and his androids?"

"You got me there, Daniel."

The Guardian spoke in the voice of Chloe. "I have plans this weekend so if we could protect Smallville from the wrath of Krypton's deadliest villain that'd be great."

The Guardian went on in the voice of Lois. "Isn't Zod a lot like Michael Westen? 'I'm going to rain down hell on you, and I'm really really good at raining down hell.'" Then he/she snarled, "Kneel before Zod."

"Worst Zod impersonation ever, Guardian," O'Neill said.

"Worst Michael impersonation ever," Daniel added.

They walked on in silence for a moment, the dark corridor catching the echo of their foosteps.

"This is pretty bad," Carter conceded. "We are, after all, dealing with an insane Q."

"Think about it, guys," Daniel said. "If someone caused Q to go insane, he'd have to be pretty powerful."

"Or she would," Carter said.

"Regardless of gender, it would have to be someone of great power."

Clark wore his wince-face. "Strong enough to take on Q? Maybe all the Q?"

O'Neill turned to Clark. "Could it be one of your powerful friends, Clark?"

"Meteor freaks don't really hang out with the Q. Neither does Lex."

"Could it be one of your super-friends?"

"I don't call them that." Clark changed the subject. "At least unlike last time we did this, we don't have to get adjusted to the idea that fictional characters are real somewhere."

"Or get adjusted to you," O'Neill said. "Let's get this done and go home."

"I'll miss Smallville," Daniel said.

"As will I, Daniel Jackson."

"So long, Lana and Chloe," Carter said with a little sigh.

"Hello, normal life!" O'Neill countered, raising a finger.

"Dealing with the Goa'uld is normal?" Clark asked.

"For us."

"Nice work, Clark," Daniel said. "You pronounced 'Goa'uld' correctly."

"Wish I'd never heard of them."

"I'm with you on that, Clark," O'Neill said.

Clark winced slightly. "Wish I could get rid of them for you."

"Indeed."

"We appreciate that, Clark," Daniel said as Carter smiled.

"I'd like it if you got rid of those snakes for us, Clark." As he walked, O'Neill continued to survey his surroundings.

When they arrived at the Stargate, Zatanna suddenly appeared to them.

"Whoa!" O'Neill said. "Would you mind not doing that?" After a second to recover, O'Neill raised his eyebrows. "Successful in warding off that invasion, were you?"

"Very much." Zatanna's grin was brief. "There was something I needed to tell you. I know where Q is."


	4. Thanksgiving With Q

"Clark, go up there. See what you can do." As he shouted the order, Colonel Jack O'Neill pointed to the swirling mess above him.

"It'll be just like when you saved Lana from that tornado." Despite the situation, Major Samantha Carter smiled as she spoke in a light breezy voice.

"Just like that," Daniel Jackson said loudly.

"Only bigger and better," O'Neill said, waving his hand.

"It will indeed be a most impressive feat, Clark Kent," Teal'c said.

The violent winds blew around the dark hair of Clark Kent as he shouted back. "What exactly do you want me to do, Jack?"

"Do what you do best, Clark! Try to help some of those people! And see if you can find someone to help us."

As Clark disappeared into the swirling vortex, Zatanna held up gloved hands.

"What about me? I'm here to help."

"Sorry, Zatanna," Carter said. "In this situation, even you aren't enough."

"Wow, Sam. You sure know how to hurt a girl." With her big blue vibrant eyes, Zatanna took in the situation. "Not that you're wrong. This situation would take an entire Justice League."

"More like a hundred Justice Leagues," Daniel murmured.

"Consisting of more than Victor Stone, Arthur Curry and Bart Allen," Teal'c said.

With a rueful look, O'Neill nodded. "But at least we found the place. And the big guy himself."

"A lot more than that, sir."

The team stood in the midst of what looked like a massive green tornado, filled with an assortment of figures from across the multiple universes. Daniel glimpsed Indiana Jones, the Hulk, Millie the Model, Harry Potter and others, some of them holding out their hands as they shouted encouragement.

At the center of it all was Q, eyes raised to the sky as bright beams of golden energy shot out. His mouth moved up and down, and out came lightly spoken gibberish. To Daniel, the words sounded like the Elven language. Q's actual voice resembled the mumbling of Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man."

Floating above Q was a figure in orange and green who moved forward to hover over SG-1. Dressed in an orange suit with a green vest, he had his legs crossed in a yoga position. The short man (if he was a man) had skinny legs, white sideburns and a bulbous nose. While wearing a goofy grin, he tipped his hat.

"Welcome, S-G-One."

"Not you again," O'Neill groaned. Daniel thought how Jack did a lot of groaning on this trip.

"It's me!" the short skinny fellow exclaimed while holding out his arms.

"You're worse than Harlan and Urgo put together."

"Thank you, Colonel O-Neill." The short fellow held a green-gloved hand over his waist as he bowed. "And I have actually put Harlan and Urgo together."

"Mix-iz-pittle-ick," Daniel said. As he carefully sounded out the name, Daniel sounded slightly awed.

"Good pronunciation, Daniel."

"Thanks, Sam."

"It is indeed the one called Mix-iz-pittle-ick."

"Emperor Mix-iz-pittle-ick, if you please," the orange-suited imp said as he both raised a finger and lifted his bulbous nose.

"Nice hat," O'Neill said.

"Thank-yew. My friends call me Mixy."

"Then we'll call you something else. Dorkwad perhaps? Ninny? Runt? Squirt?"

"You will call me 'Emperor' or 'Your Majesty.'"

"Yeah, that's not going to happen." As he glanced around, O'Neill looked more annoyed than usual. "Mind explaining to me what's going on here?"

"Certainly, Colonel O-Neill!" Mixy said brightly. Smiling broadly with tiny yellow fangs, Mixy eagerly rubbed his gloved hands.

"When I first learned about the Q, I started planning a way to pull this off." The imp held a hand over his mouth as he giggled loudly. "After the big guy here was weakened by the Joker Crisis, I managed to get inside his mind. Then I caused him to break down. Just like one of those androids in the classic 'Star Trek' episode 'I, Mudd.'"

"Aren't you the clever one?" O'Neill said.

"I like to think so." A beaming Mixy placed a gloved hand on his tiny chest.

Daniel lifted a finger. "Excuse me? Mister-"

"Emperor."

"Yeah," Daniel said with a brief frown. "The thing is, this isn't like you. You're basically just someone who pesters Superman."

"That I am."

"What I'm getting at is that you're someone who's never had any big schemes or grand designs or great ambition. So why now? Why this?"

Mixy made a face. "I'm performing a public service, Doctor Jackson. I am undermining these so-called 'heroes.'"

"Okay. Why?"

Mixy snorted. "Because these supposed paragons of moral virtue aren't really heroes at all. Take just this one example: In one universe, there's an Oliver Queen in Starling City who goes around killing people."

"Used to kill people," Daniel corrected. "Well, it depends on where you are in the timeline, really."

"Daniel, don't."

"It's true, Jack."

"Yes, but it gives me a headache."

"Tut, tut, tut," Mixy tutted, waving a finger. "I'm talking here. Another so-called 'hero' is a Batman who contacted mobsters so they could kill an assassin named Jack. Which, not incidentally, ended up creating the Joker," the imp said pointedly.

"Did it now?"

"It did indeed, Colonel O-Neill."

"One of them, anyway," Daniel said.

"Whatever Joker we're talking about, the guy's not exactly my favorite person," O'Neill said. "Though it's hard to know who's worse: you or him."

"I vote this guy," Zatanna said drily.

"I'm with Zatanna, sir."

"As am I, O-Neill."

Again, Mixy struck a pose, hand to chest, head raised. "You know, the Joker and I once pitted different versions of Batman and Superman against each other."

"We heard," Zatanna said.

"I read it in a graphic novel," Daniel said.

O'Neill gave him a look. "Isn't that just a fancy term for comic books, Daniel?"

"Graphic novels are a little more sophisticated."

"I do not read comic books or graphic novels," Teal'c announced matter-of-factly. "Nevertheless, I find this 'Mix-iz-pittle-ick'-"

"Good pronunciation, Teal'c."

"-to be most troublesome and annoying."

"Thanks, Teal'c-y, old boy." As he leaned forward, Mixy spoke in the voice of Peter Lorre. "Because you despise me, I trust you most of all." Once again, he giggled, hand to mouth.

O'Neill looked at the imp then at Daniel. "That's like something the Joker would do. Why is this guy acting like the Joker?"

"Plus, if Q went insane, why would it create altered worlds?" Carter asked.

"Um, magic?" Zatanna suggested.

Mixy pointed his finger, and O'Neill sprouted the head of a groaning, gasping panic-stricken Homer Simpson. After a few seconds, there was a loud "pop," and the bald yellow head vanished.

"Don't do that!" O'Neill snapped.

"Tee-hee-hee." Mixy laughed like Homer.

"That was like a Joker trick," Daniel murmured. "What's going on here?"

"Whatever it is, Daniel, we need to get Q back to normal," Carter said.

"At least as normal as he gets," Zatanna said. "Clark won't be much help. He's vulnerable to magic."

Case in point. Clark fell out of the swirling vortex, screaming all the way just before he landed with a loud grunt and a great crash.

"Clark, you all right?" Daniel and Carter scrambled to help him up.

"I think so," he said in a moaning voice. "I ran into Hermione, one of them, and her magic wand."

"Powers or not, Clark, you're a valuable member of this team," O'Neill declared.

Daniel grinned as he looked directly at Clark. "It's like you father once said. Even if your bones weren't unbreakable, you'd still put yourself in harm's way to save others."

"Just like Whitney Fordman did," Carter said with a grin of her own.

"It is indeed so, Clark Kent."

Zatanna raised a gloved hand. "Hey, you've got my vote, Clark."

Though still looking disheveled, Clark smiled and nodded. "Thanks, guys."

Now Zatanna put her gloved hands on her hips. "Not to take away from what a great guy you are, Clark, but we've got to find a way to help Q."

"Must we?" O'Neill griped.

"Trust me, Colonel O-Neill. If it wasn't for all these worlds being in danger, I wouldn't help him either."

O'Neill made a face as he waved his hand dismissively at the imp. "First, we've got to find a way past this clown."

"Not to mention avoid all that up there," Daniel said, glancing up at the vortex.

Mixy wore the wide smile of the Grinch. "Good luck with all that," he said as he struck a casual pose in which he leaned on his side.

"We have a way," Carter said.

The team members fired their phasers, and a portal opened. Out popped the androids from Harlan's factory, the ones from the world they visited previously.

Mixy wiggled his fingers at android-Clark but the android simply grabbed him and threw him through the air..

"We're programmed for a wide variety of situations," android-Carter said.

"We've seen worse," android-O'Neill said.

"When?" android-Daniel said.

When Mixy landed with an "oof," android-SG-1 opened fire with laser rifles, the kind stormtroopers would carry. When they paused, android-Martha-Kent and android-Tess-Mercer used martial arts kicks on him, causing Mixy to say "oof" a lot more.

"When he's off-balance like that, he can't use his magic," Zatanna said.

Android-Clark and android-Lana moved around at super-speed,.picking up figures standing in the way, clearing a path to Q. Regular Clark joined them. SG-1 and Zatanna moved toward Q.

Clark showed up a few seconds after the rest of the team, causing Zatanna's hair to blow back as she held up two gloved hands.

"Whatever that is shooting out of Q's eyes, I'll protect you," she said.

"As you have done since our arrival," Teal'c said with a bow and a nod.

"Appreciate it, Zee," O'Neill said.

"Yeah. Thanks, Zatanna," Clark said.

"Yeah, thanks," Carter said.

Daniel leaned in toward Q, though not too close.

"Q, can you hear me? Are you all right? What can we do to help you?"

But all Daniel got was some gibberish in Klingon.

Suddenly, the scene around them changed. They were in downtown Smallville, only the sky was red, and just above the Smallville water tower the "Enterprise" fired on a Borg cube. While the Justice League knelt on top of the water tower, the sky was filled with multiple Mixy heads.

Q stood in the doorway of the Talon, waving to them.

"S-G-One. Get in here, quick," he ordered.

Once they were inside, Q said, "You're inside my mind."

"Not sure that's a place I want to be," O'Neill said.

"Me either," Clark said.

"Nevertheless, welcome to my world," Q said drily.

Daniel wore his usual confused look. "Q, you can talk."

"Obviously, Doctor Jackson."

"I mean, in clear complete sentences that make sense."

Q looked almost exasperated, which O'Neill would say was his usual look. "If we're done belaboring the obvious, I'll explain so even your primitive minds can understand."

"Gee, thanks," Zatanna said.

"Yeah, good to see you, too, Q," Carter said.

Q rolled his eyes as he sighed. "There isn't much time for politeness. As I've said, you're inside my mind, at least the part I still control. And I've chosen the Talon as a form familiar to all of you."

"That's swell of you, Q," O'Neill said. "I've always said you're a heckuva guy."

"On the contrary, O-Neill. You have stated the exact opposite on many occasions."

Along with his yellow Starfleet uniform, Q suddenly sprouted a green Talon. This happened just about the time he said, "I need to get back to normal."

"That outfit's not the way to do it," Zatanna said.

Q looked down then back up. "That's the imp taking more control of my mind."

"How exactly are we supposed to help?" Daniel asked.

"Yes, let's get this over with and never see each other again," O'Neill said. "Don't even send a Christmas card."

Oddly, Q smiled.

"To get back my sanity, I need you to talk to me about your lives, however mundane and hum-drum they might be."

O'Neill lifted his eyebrows. "Eager to hear stories about Goa'uld and meteor freaks, are you?"

Clark made his wince-face. "Yeah, we don't exactly live normal lives, even though I try to."

"Yeah, what Clark said." Daniel gestured to Clark as he wore his own look of uncertainty and confusion.

"It will still be more normal than what goes on in the mind of that imp," Q said.

Tiny versions of Mixy crawled up the walls and on the table. O'Neill swatted one of them, only to have four more pop into existence. .

"What's this?" O'Neill asked.

"That's the imp trying to take over the last of my mind. Start talking!" Q hissed.

So they talked about their lives. Clark started with a simple story: the time he and Lana stood on a football field screaming up at the sky in an almost joyful way. It was to get out their frustrations: Lana from working as a waitress, Clark from dealing with fires caused by the football coach. (And not doing so well on the football team. And having a lot of conflict with his dad.) Clark then talked about the time he watched a drive-in movie with Lana.

As Clark spoke, the scene was acted out around him. Only this time as Clark and Lana watched a Bugs Bunny cartoon, SG-1 was in the back of the pickup with them. And so was Q.

"How sweet and trite," Q snorted. They were back sitting at a table. Around them, the mini-Mixies disappeared. O'Neill swatted another Mixy-insect. It fell on its side and made continuous groaning noises.

Daniel spoke of forgiveness. On one world they visited, Teal'c was put on trial for his past crimes. But when Teal'c helped save the village from an invasion, his accuser decided Teal'c was no longer the same man.

"I was mistaken," the accuser said. "My memory was faulty. This is not the same man who killed my father."

"I am the man," Teal'c insisted.

The accuser shook his head. "No, that Jaffa is dead. You have killed him." He turned to the other members of SG-1. "Take your friend home."

As the scene was acted out, Clark stood with his friends. As the accuser handed Teal'c his staff weapon, Lana Lang approached Clark. "I forgive you," she said softly. The two embraced, with Clark having to lean down a great deal to hug the petite Lana.

Clark then talked about Thanksgiving with Oliver, Lois, his mom, Lionel and Chloe.

"That's kind of what Thanksgiving should be," Clark mused aloud. "Inviting people in, whoever they are."

At that point, the team members passed around stuffing and turkey. There were still some Mixy-insects crawling around.

As they ate, Zatanna said, "I also have a story about forgiveness. There was the time I wrapped Oliver Queen up in chains while I made off with a book of spells."

"I bet old Oliver wasn't too happy about that," O'Neill said.

"Oh, he wasn't. He was in his Green Arrow costume, with his whole face exposed. No hood, no sunglasses."

"So his identity could have been discovered," Teal'c said.

"He couldn't have been happy about that," Carter said.

"No, Sam, he wasn't," Zatanna said. She smiled. "But Oliver forgive me. And I heard later that when Jimmy Olsen was in trouble, Oliver gave him a chance to turn his life around. Not with a handout or charity but with a job."

"Nice," O'Neill said.

"Very nice," Carter said.

"That can be the most dignified form of assistance."

"Oliver's an all right guy," Clark said.

Q sat at the head of the table, head slumped on a supporting fist. "The human sentiment is tiring. But it does seem to be making me stronger. Continue."

"Give it up, Q," Zatanna said. "We know you're an old softie. Why else would you help Captain Picard save the entire human race?"

"Actually, wasn't Q the one who tried to destroy the human race?" O'Neill asked pointedly.

"We can debate that later, Jack."

"Or never, Daniel."

"For now, we need more stories," Clark said. "And I've got a good one. It's about Kyle Tippett.".

That was when part of the roof of the Talon tore off and the face of Mxyzptlk filled the jagged hole. The imp's loud laughter caused the ground to shake.

SG-1 opened fire with their weapons while Clark unleashed a flurry of super-speed punches.

"Your abilities are not that impressive," Q sniffed.

"Thanks for the pep talk, Q," Daniel said as he fired his phaser.

Q frowned. "I didn't mean to offend your poor human pride. You forget, Doctor Jackson. This is a realm of the mind. Your human qualities are needed more than your weapons, which are only mental representations anyway. Instead of that, create things with your minds."

Teal'c placed his staff weapon in a vertical position. "Q is indeed correct. We cannot use tools of physical combat. We must draw on weapons of the mind, of the spirit."

As Clark continued his punches, his face knotted up in intense concentration. It was the same for Teal'c, O'Neill, Carter, Daniel and Zatanna.

Q was actually sweating as he sat chained up to a chair.

"Think, S-G-One! Think! Think of scenes from your life, the people you've met. Use imagination, get creative. It's the only way I can be free. Once I take control from the imp, I'll drive out the power that controls him and get him back to normal. And everything else!"

With fists clenched, Clark cried out, Zatanna and SG-1 along with him.

That was when the giant Mixy found himself under attack by the Green Arrow, Cyborg, Aquaman and Bart.. Also by Jaffa, Tok'ra and a swarm of meteor freaks.

Q broke his chains and stood up. But with a flick of his giant fingers, Mixy knocked him down.

The giant Mixy was then under attack by a swarm of Borg and two "Enterprises."

A Captain Kirk with glowing white eyes grabbed Q by the neck and the two did a fight-dance around the room.

The giant Mixy head roared, and the team was swallowed up in a white light.

Clark found himself hanging horizontally from a cable rope in front of an activiated Stargate. The others, including Zatanna, were in the same position. Clark found himself being pulled toward the Stargate.

"Guys, what is this?" he shouted.

"It's the time a black hole was drawing things in through the Stargate," Carter shouted back.

"That doesn't sound good," Clark said.

"Don't sweat it, Clark," O'Neill said loudly. "I was able to survive the black hole. With your powers, you've got even more of a shot. And you can save us, too."

"I don't think that matters in here, Colonel O-Neill," Zatanna said.

"I fear Zatanna is correct, O-Neill."

"Yeah," Clark groaned. "Doesn't feel like I can pull away from it."

"My usual magic isn't working," Zatanna said as she winced and groaned. "Not that I can really concentrate."

Daniel responded in a groaning voice. "If you could concentrate, Zatanna, that would be really helpful."

A giant Mixy head popped out of the Stargate.

"Okay, that's not going to help," Daniel said.

"No, Daniel, it's not," O'Neill said.

"We must be strong, O-Neill. With our minds. With our spirits." Teal'c grunted slightly as he hung on to the rope. "With his strong Kryptonian spirit, Clark Kent is most able to combat this mental threat."

"I'm working on it, Teal'c," Clark said, his face all scrunched up.

"Work faster, Clark," O'Neill grunted.

A giant Q head popped up out of the Stargate. Actually, it was more than just a head because Q wrapped his arms around Mixy's neck.

"Focus, S-G-One!" Q said sharply. "Whatever you imagine in here it becomes real!"

O'Neill's feet dropped from the rope.

"Now would be a good time, Clark," Daniel muttered.

After a few grunts, Clark gasped out, "Guys, I have an idea. Part real, part imagination."

"Anything to get away from this chaos," O'Neill shouted.

In place of Q and Mixy, a scene unfolded. In downtown Smallville stood Clark and the town outsider Kyle Tippett.

"Need a ride?" Clark asked, holding out the keys to the family pickup.

"I've gotta buy groceries," Kyle demurred.

"No problem," Clark said casually.

Breaking up the happy image, the giant Mixy head lunged forward, and Mixy growled as he bared a row of sharp fangs. Q pulled him back, causing the oversized imp to gag.

"I only have a little strength," Q grunted. "It won't last. I need more."

The scene shifted. As Jonathan smiled, Martha placed a turkey on the dinner table.

"It's good you could join us, Kyle," Martha said softly.

"It was good of you to have me...Clark...Martha...Jonathan." As he spoke quietly, Kyle nodded to each person. "I've been on the run so much, using my powers to help people. Maybe I shouldn't have snuck back into Smallville but I'm glad I did." His eyes moistened. "I had no one to be with for the holiday but now I have friends and a kind of family."

Kyle sat across from Teal'c's one-time accuser who smiled and nodded, his hands clasped in a kind of casual prayer stance. Behind him, Jonathan spoke quietly.

"We're glad to have you, Kyle."

"We're glad to have all of you," Martha said as she spread out her hands.

"It's great to be here," Clark said.

"I second that," Daniel said quietly.

"We all do," Carter said with a smile as Zatanna nodded and Teal'c bowed.

O'Neill lifted a finger. "This is much better than hanging from ropes being sucked in toward a black hole."

As she leaned in, Martha whispered to her son.

"You know, Clark. I don't always get Colonel O'Neill's sense of humor."

"He's an acquired taste, Mom," Clark said with a grin.

Across from O'Neill, General George Hammond did a slight double-take.

"S-G-One. You're back. I trust your mission was successful?"

"It looks like it will be, sir," O'Neill said.

Clark held out his hand. "General, this is Zatanna."

"She was a big help to us, sir," Carter said.

"Then I'm glad you met her."

"She is most formidable, General Hammond."

"I'll take your word for it, Teal'c."

"Among other things, she grants wishes," Clark said with a smile.

"That's fine, Clark," Hammond said gently. "But if you're back safely, I have my wish."

"Thank you, sir," Carter said as the others echoed the sentiment.

Hammond nodded to his hosts. "Jonathan. Martha. How about passing around some of this excellent food?"

"I couldn't agree more, general," Jonathan said with a little laugh in his voice.

"Just make sure to get some before Clark gets a hold of it," Martha teased.

"Right," Kyle said with a little laugh. "Otherwise you might starve."

Above them, Mixy screamed as the flying Borg-Jaffa-meteor-freak army drove the imp into the swirling green vortex, which then promptly vanished with a loud "swoosh" noise. .

"Hold the noise down!" O'Neill shouted. "We're trying to eat here."

The Kent living room vanished, and it was only Clark, SG-1, Q and a very puzzled-looking Mixy. Lifting his hat, the imp scratched his bald head.

"What exactly was I doing here?" After a quick shrug, he vanished.

O'Neill looked up at the clear sky above. "No more swirling thingies," he noted as he made a spinning gesture with his index finger.

Daniel gave Q his most serious Daniel look. "Q, mind explaining what happened here?"

"If I must."

"Yes, you must," O'Neill said. "And then we go home and never see each other again."

Smiling, Q lifted his eyebrows. "You may be in for a surprise there, Colonel O-Neill.."

"No. No surprises," O'Neill said, waving his index finger.

"I'd like to get back to the farm," Clark said.

"And I'd like to be back on stage," Zatanna said as she folded her arms. "What's the story, Q?"

Q sighed. "Very well. If I must satisfy your human curiosity. After the Joker Crisis, there was some of that clown's energy floating around that somehow took over the little imp."

"Power from the Joker," Daniel said.

"That's why Mix-iz-pittle-ick was acting like the Joker," Carter said.

"And that's how we ended up with altered worlds filled with magic," Zatanna said.

"I'm so glad your primitive little minds understand."

In response, Carter offered a wry smile. "Always great talking to you, Q."

"Let's never do it again," O'Neill said, eyebrows up.

"We have arranged a solution, O-Neill." The very tall Q crossed his arms over his yellow Starfleet uniform. "The Q have decided to create duplicates of you. When there's a crisis in the multiple universes, they'll be dispatched to deal with it. The original Clark Kent and S-G-One can stay home and live their hum-drum lives."

"That sounds swell," O'Neill said.

"Yeah, swell," Clark said. The others murmured their agreement.

Q waved his hand. "The originals can go back to their Goa'uld and meteor freaks and other trivial concerns."

"I look forward to it," O'Neill said.

"We are in agreement, O-Neill."

"Can't wait to have Thanksgiving with Mom and Dad."

"Wish I could be there, Clark," Daniel said.

"Same here," Carter said with a wistful smile.

"Ah." Here, O'Neill raised a finger. "Speaking of which. That little scene back in the Talon, with the turkey and the imps crawling around? Worst Thanksgiving ever."

"I may be able to help with that, Colonel O'Neill." Q snapped his fingers, and they were in the Kent living room. A very long table seated everyone from Harlan and Urgo with Penny and the "Big Bang" guys as well as the three main members of the Legion—Rokk, Imra and Garth. Also General Hammond, Janet Fraiser, Kara, Pete, Lana, Lois, Oliver, Martha and Jonathan.

Daniel stared at the tall figure in yellow. "This isn't like you, Q."

"Yeah," Carter said. "Since when do you do anything nice?"

Zatanna gave Q a skeptical look. "What's the deal, big guy?"

Q made what might be described as a somber O'Neill face. "You'll have to excuse me. I haven't been myself lately. I may still be recovering."

"As good a reason as any, I guess," Clark said.

"Indeed."

O'Neill raised his eyebrows and a finger as he glanced around the table. "When do we get to meet these duplicates of ours?"

Q responded with a wry smile. "Actually, Colonel O-Neill, what if I told you that you are the duplicates, and have been since the beginning of this mission?"

O'Neill blinked in confusion. "What now?"

"Yes, what?" Daniel, Carter and Zatanna said all at once. As he held a drumstick, Teal'c lifted an eyebrow while Clark made his squinty frown-face.

More of the wry smile from Q. "You were created shortly after the original you went through the Stargate." Seeing their puzzled faces, he grinned. "Eventually you'll realize it's true. Once you get used to the idea, you'll find it's not so bad. When you're not busy saving the multiple universes, you'll live in Smallville with Chloe, Jonathan, Martha, Lana and your primitive Stargate." He shook his head. "The Ancients. Such pests."

"Pests," O'Neill said. "We meet a lot of those."

"We're duplicates?" Clark asked.

Daniel glanced at Clark. "Better than finding out you're an android, I suppose."

"Or in your case, Clark, Bizarro," Zatanna said.

Carter waved her hands over her uniform. "I feel like me," she said.

"As do I, Major Carter."

Q stood over a giant turkey with a carving knife. "For all intents and purposes, you are Clark Kent and S-G-One."

"This is bet-ter," Harlan said with a giddy smile.

"Oh! I want pumpkin pie!" Urgo smiled as he rubbed his hands.

"Here you go," Lana said as she passed it to him.

"Enjoy," Chloe said with a smile.

O'Neill sat back in his chair. "So I get to live in Smallville, huh? With my old pal Jonathan Kent. And we get to to fishing together." After he thought for a moment, O'Neill lifted his eyebrows as he held up a plate. "In that case, I'll have another drumstick. And some cake."


End file.
